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Intimidator

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Genius on board

By Intimidator

A guy ran over a mattress and decided to keep going. Unbeknownst to him it got hung up underneath his vehicle. The ensuing jumble finally whipped around enough to put a tear in the gas tank, and the subsequent lack of fuel is what finally brought this vehicle to a halt.

It had still managed to drive 30 more miles decently with a 60 lb tangle wrapped around the drive-shaft. This genius complained that the vehicle had a "shimmy" when driving at
high speeds.

This is what the dealership found..............





The Hillbilly Vasectomy

By Intimidator

After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was
expensive. 'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer
can (COORS) , then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.'

The Alabamian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting
a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.'

'Trust me,' said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!

'1'
'2'
'3'
'4'
'5'
( you'll love this...)
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Louisiana, Mississippi, Kansas and South St. Joseph MO.

Uncle Sam & Congress-man

By Intimidator

By Joy Hubbard, Bryan Fischer and Debbie Fischer, with apologies to Dr. Seuss

Uncle Sam & Congress-man

That Uncle Sam!
That Congress-man!
We do not like your bailout plan!
We do not like your taxing plan!

Should we pay so stocks don't tank?
Should we pay for Barney Frank?

We should not pay so stocks won't tank.
We should not pay for greedy banks.
We do not like your bailout plan,
We should not pay it, Congress-man.

Mr. Paulson made a call
For a plan to soak us all.

Could you, would you Mr. Bush,
Could you, would you push, push, push?

We should not pay you, Mr. Bush,
So Mae won't fall upon her tush.

We should not pay you, AIG,
Though you ask on bended knee.
We should not pay you, Freddie Mac,
Just to lighten up your pack.
We should not pay for any bank,
Even one that's in the tank.

We should not pay for umpteen years
Just because the market fears.
We do not like your bailout plan.
We do not like it, Uncle Sam.

We should not pay you, Mr. Raines,
You, the source of all our pains.
Franklin Raines don't give a hoot,
He got a golden parachute.

We should not pay you, Mr. Dodd,
You should not get a big fat wad.
We should not pay you, Speaker Nan,
When you have dumped us in the can.

We should not pay this big old tax
For people who ignored the facts.
You said the rules were just a joke
And now the banks are just flat broke.

They loaned to those who cannot pay
And backed it up with Fannie Mae.
You set it up for them to fail,
Then said to us, "Your turn to bail!"

Could you, would you, Street of Wall,
Support a plan to soak us all?

Our kids will pay for ninety years
Just to calm your self-made fears.
We do not like your bailout plan,
We do not like it, Uncle Sam.

We should not pay for all those acts
When you ignored the credit facts.
The CRA made this bind
Now we get kicked in the behind.
Sub-prime loans - what a crock!
And you wonder why we balk!

You made some new accounting laws
And we got bit by shark-like jaws.
Mark to market - what a joke!
Now our banks begin to croak.

We do not like your bailout plan,
We do not like it, Congress-man.
We do not like your bailout plan.
We do not like it, Uncle Sam.

You loaded it with lots of pork,
And cranked us all with lots of torque.
Arrows, rum and big fast cars
Why not add a trip to Mars?

We pay our debts with little thanks,
Now we're paying foreign banks!
We pay our debts and you don't care -
You make us pay - that's hardly fair!

The Golden State is next in line,
The bucks they want are yours and mine.
You think our money grows on trees?
You have us begging on our knees.

And now we see through mire and murk
That your plan won't even work.

Could you, would you Messiah Man,
Go along with this bad plan?

Could you, would you, John McCain
Go along with all this pain?

It's sad your votes we can't ignore,
So what to do, November 4?

Goofy stuff from the news

By Intimidator

Statistics show teen pregnancy drops off significantly after 25 (So does being a teenager)

Alton attorney accidentally sues himself (How many times did it take him to pass the Bar?)

One armed main applauds the kindness of strangers (That would be interesting to see)

Correction: Due to incorrect information from the Clerk of Courts Office, Diane K. Merchant, 38, was incorrectly listed as being fined for prostitution in Wednesday’s paper. The charge should have been failure to stop at a railroad crossing. The Public Opinion apologizes for the error. (Easy mistake)

A deputy responded to a report of a vehicle stopping at mail boxes. It was a mailman. (No kidding?)

County to Pay $250,000 to advertise lack of funds (Ummmm…. No comment)

Caskets found as workers demolish mausoleum (That would be the obvious place to look)

Utah Poison Control Center reminds everyone not to take poison (And remember folks, plastic bags are not toys)

Theft: A woman in the 1900 block of 129th Lane Northeast reported Oct. 15h that someone must have stolen her mail, because she did not receive birthday card from some of her friends. (LOL!)

Federal Agents Raid Gun Shop, Find Weapons (Obvious place to look again)

Fish need water, Feds say (Thank you Capt. Obvious!)

Question of the day—Q: What constitutes a millionaire? A: A millionaire is someone who has $1 million, according to Jerry Beto, branch manager and senior vice president of investments at AG Edwards and Sons (No sh*t Sherlock?)

Police: Crack Found in Man’s Buttocks (Once again… the obvious place to look)

Emotional Hippies - Crying Over Dead Trees

By Intimidator

I dare you to watch this video with a straight face LOL!

Fun Facts

By Intimidator

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (Like that makes sense...I wonder if they have sheep)

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror. (Do they look different reversed?)

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. (A brick?)

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Much worse than 'going blind!')

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah! Justice!)

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores. (But of course!)

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought)

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

In Maryland , it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only 'in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises. (Is this a great country or what? Well, not as great as Guam !)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for these tests?)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (Did our government pay for this research??)

Butterflies taste with their feet. (Ah, geez)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that)

Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like that, too)

And, the best for last? Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)

Guns

By Intimidator

The purpose of fighting is to win. There is no possible victory in defense. The sword is more important than the shield, and skill is more important than either. The final weapon is the brain. All else is supplemental. That being said…

1. Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he’ll just kill you.

2. If you find yourself in a fair fight, your tactics suck.

3. I carry a gun because a cop is too heavy.

4. When seconds count, the cops are just minutes away.

5. A reporter did a human-interest piece on the Texas Rangers. The reporter recognized the Colt Model 1911 the Ranger was carrying and asked him 'Why do you carry a 45?' The Ranger responded, 'Because they don't make a 46.'

6. An armed man will kill an unarmed man with monotonous regularity.

7. The old sheriff was attending an awards dinner when a lady commented on his wearing his sidearm. 'Sheriff, I see you have your pistol. Are you expecting trouble?' 'No Ma'am. If I were expecting trouble, I would have brought my rifle.'

8. Beware the man who only has one gun. HE PROBABLY KNOWS HOW TO USE IT!!!

Top 16 comments from police videos across the country

By Intimidator

16. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

15. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

14. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

13. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

12. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

11. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

10. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

9. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

8. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

7. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

6. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

5. "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

4. "How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

3. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

2. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS....

1. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here!

Amazingly simple home remedies

By Intimidator

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. PRESTO! The blockage will instantly remove itself.

2. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetable by getting someone else to hold them while you chop.

3. Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat… Use the sink!

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: Simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.


5. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough take a large dose of laxatives. Then you’ll be afraid to cough.

7. You only need two tools in life… WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move and should, use the WD-40. If it moves and it shouldn’t, use the duct tape.

8. Remember: everyone seems normal until you get to know them.


9. If you can’t fix it with a hammer, you’ve got an electrical problem.

10. Some people are like Slinkies… Not really good for anything, but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.

Bran Muffins

By Intimidator

The couple was 85 years old, and had been married for 65 years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.

They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'this is your reward in Heaven.'

The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on earth.

'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled the old man.

'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'

They went to the clubhouse and found a lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, and free flowing beverages.

'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man. 'This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'

The old man looked around and glanced at his wife.

'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?' he asked.

'That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick.'

The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!'

Good Ol' Grandpa

By Intimidator

A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort to be with his family on the weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time.

One particular Saturday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out. When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather.

"Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?"

"Oh yes, PaPa" the girl replied, "and do you know what? We didn't see a single dumb b*stard or lousy sh*t head!"

Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

Job application

By Intimidator

This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen
submitted to Wal-Mart in Arkansas. They hired him because he was so funny.....

NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Old Bastard)

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate).

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be 'Do you have a car that runs?'

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blond supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE....7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.

Introducing the all new Paper GPS system!!!

By Intimidator

Here's how it works...

1. Go to Google Maps and type in the starting and ending points for your journey.

2. Write out the search results on the Paper GPS (shown below) filling in the turns and mileage in the correct boxes.



3. Bring to car.

4. Turn on ignition.

5. Drive.

Hi class trailer trash

By Intimidator

I want one of these!

























The world's funniest license plate

By Intimidator

I wish I had thought of that LOL!

The best deer stand ever?

By Intimidator

Look at what "rednecks" can do when given enough time and resources...

HOW TO MAKE A DEER STAND

Start with a small to medium size camping trailer



Pull it out to a likely looking area



Drive some poles in the ground



Use a couple of tractors with loaders



Raise it WAY UP (and fasten it!)



Drink a beer or two and step back to admire your work



Build a deck (so you'll have a place to sit outside and drink another beer



Build some nice stairs so you don't have to go down a ladder while inebriated


VIOLA!!! You're set!

Nun grading papers--Kids say (and sometimes write) the darnedest things!

By Intimidator

Kids say (and sometimes write) the darnedest things!

Can you imagine yourself to be the nun that is sitting at her desk grading these papers all the while trying to keep a straight face and maintain her composure?

Pay special attention to the wording and spelling. These are hilarious! They came from a Catholic elementary school test. The kids were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. The following statements about the Bible were written by Children. They have not been retouched or corrected. The incorrect spelling has been intentionally left in.

1. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world so he took the Sabbath off.

2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah’s wife was Joan of Ark. Noah built and ark and the animals came on in pears.

3.Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.

4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.

5. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

6. Samson slayed the Philistines with the Axe of the Apostles.

7. Moses led the Jews to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.

8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments.

9. The First Commandments was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

10. The Seventh Commandment is that shalt not admit adultery.

11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada then Joshua led the Hebrews in the Battle of Geritol.

12. The greatest miricle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

13. David was a Hebrew King who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

14. Solomon, one of Davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

15. When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

16. When the Three Wise Guys from the east side arrived they found Jesus in the manager.

17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

18. St. John the Blacksmith dumped water on his head.

19. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone.

20. It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

21. The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 Decibels.

22. The Epistels were the wives of the Apostles.

23. One of the Oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

24. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity, he preached Holy Acrimony which is another name for marriage.

25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

Neat use for old watch parts

By Intimidator













How to build a car in 7 easy steps

By Intimidator

Before...



Step 1 - combine scrap body parts



Step 2 - apply foam, and I mean lots of foam!



Step 3 - mold the foam



Step 4 - taking care to measure for precision



Step 5 - dont forget the interior



Step 6 - upholster



Step 7 - paint



After..

Donkey sale

By Intimidator

Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'

Chuck replied, 'Well, then,just give me my money back.'

The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'

Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'

The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?

Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said, 'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'

Chuck said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'

Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00.'

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'

(Chuck grew up and works for the government.)

Check out my new power tool

By Intimidator

This is my new Nail Gun, made by DeWalt.

It can drive a 10-D nail thru a 2 X 4 at 200 yards.

This makes construction a real breeze … you can sit in your lawn chair and build.

Just get the wife and kids to hold the stud boards in place while you sit back, relax with a cold beer, when they have the board in the right place just fire away.

With the hundred round magazines, you can build a shop with a minimum of reloading.

After a day of building with the new DeWalt Rapid-Fire nail gun, the wife will not ask you fix or build anything else.

Available for a little more is the "Band-Aid magazine" for those near misses when building.
Download Drive Magazine Now!

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