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Cars > tamatt79’s Garage > Blog > Be careful when volunteering!

 

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tamatt79

M
Tupelo, Mississippi
United States

 

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Be careful when volunteering!

By tamatt79

Once again, i dont know what it is about Texans and their ability to be put into situations where they can tell stories like this, but again, i gotta wonder if this story was originally told by 1 of our beloved Motortopians. :D


Warning - If you can read this whole story without laughing out loud, then you need to develop a sense of humor.



Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.



For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a chili cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio city park.



The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.



Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cooking contest. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted." Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge #3)



Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2-- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) What the hell is this stuff?! You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put out the flames. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy!



Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2-- Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.



Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Needs more beans. Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t faced from all of the beer...



Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 ---- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish, or other mild foods; not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?



Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I ripped ass and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.



Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...
Judge # 1 -- Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I sh*t myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair! No one seems inclined to stand behind me anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.



Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.



Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild, nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

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Read comments on this blog post 1 – 10 of 32

DUANE’s Profile Photo
DUANE
Apr 2, 2009 at 10:57 am
SO I JUST HAD OPEN HEART SURGERY ON MARCH 26TH AND I HAD TO STOP AT EVERY CHILI JUST BECAUSE THE PAIN FROM LAUGHING WAS KILLING ME!! BIG LAUGHS AND A WIRED TOGEATHER STERNUM NOT A GOOD MIX!
AWSOME STORY.
 
redraif’s Profile Photo
redraif
Mar 2, 2009 at 11:42 am
OMG I needed that laugh!
 
SeptemberSally’s Profile Photo
SeptemberSally
Jan 30, 2009 at 8:47 pm
Y'all sound like you don't think this is a true story! Come on down to Texas and see for yourself - you'll never regret it.
September Sally
 
Shaker’s Profile Photo
Shaker
Jan 27, 2009 at 4:49 pm
That is tooo funny! I would wager that Tinman could've wrote this story!?!
 
woody13’s Profile Photo
woody13
Jan 25, 2009 at 9:21 pm
hey, what ya'll be laughin at?
 
Hotrod_Bandit’s Profile Photo
Hotrod_Bandit
Jan 25, 2009 at 10:24 am
I aint laughed in 2 rough thank god there over weeks and now I' rolling. Thanks for the great story very funny.
 
dragon_chick_99’s Profile Photo
dragon_chick_99
Jan 23, 2009 at 10:16 pm
i'm laughing so hard my stomach is now sore and i have tears comin out of my eyes! biggrin image
 
firebirdformula’s Profile Photo
firebirdformula
Jan 23, 2009 at 8:38 pm
Very funny.
 
Nightmare388’s Profile Photo
Nightmare388
Jan 23, 2009 at 3:24 pm
That's Funny as hell.
 
tamatt79’s Profile Photo
tamatt79
Jan 23, 2009 at 11:14 am
Tinman5, you must break out some of the Chili on the Bandit Run!!! i aint skeered!!!
 

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