Subject: Security Fence Logic
We have the standard 6ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I
heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city.
To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran
a single wire along the top of the fence. Actually, I got the biggest
cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence.
I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, drove 7.5 feet into the ground.
The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the
better the fence works.
One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Walmart 6hp bigwheel
pushmower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for
a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire
and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as
though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.
Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand
and the 1.7 gigavolt fencewire in the other hand. Keep in mind the
charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an
upside down cow on fire on the cover.
Time stood still. The first thing I notice is my balls trying to climb
up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel
the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time
that Briggs &Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I
was literally at one with the engine. It seems as though the fence
charger and the POS lawnmower were fighting over who would control my
Science says one cannot crap, pee, and get a nut at the same time. I beg
to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3
different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of
bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back
and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there
were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was
like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.
At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto
the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I cant
let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences... but
Dad always had those POS chargers made by International or whoever that
were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This I could not let go of.
The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the
permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm
going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out
'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank! Now the
lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run
pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered
in poop, pee, jizz, and with my balls on my chest I think 'Oh God please
die... pleeeeze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam
idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor
waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.
So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing
in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that
day... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery
my own stupidity had created.
I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire... I woke up laying
on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It
was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead
grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead
spot were the wire had layed while I was on the ground still holding on
I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had
somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically induced
sleep I realized a few things.
1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek
(not the left, just the right).
3- Poop, pee, and semen when all mixed together, do not smell as bad a
you might first think.
4- My left eye will not open.
5- My right eye will not close.
6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little
session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was
better than new after that.
7- My balls are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot
8- I can turn on the TV in the gameroom by farting while thinking of the
number 4 (still dont understand this?)
That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I
appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make
sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.
The good news is, that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I
can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT
gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to
triple check before I mow.
Permanent Link to this Blog Post: